The ground we’re both standing on.

You can express yourself and your thoughts however you want to. If something I say doesn't sit right with your view of the world, ask. That's not an interruption to the work. Often it is the work.

Nothing is off-limits to say here. Uncomfortable, unpopular, politically incorrect, half-formed, ugly. If it's in your head, it can be in the room. You can't work on something you're not allowed to voice, and I'd rather hear the real version than the presentable one.

What I won't do is pretend to be neutral about it. I'm not going to judge you for what you say, but I'm also not going to nod along with everything. If I think something you believe rests on bad information, or on something painful that hasn't been looked at properly, or on an assumption you've never actually tested, I'll tell you. Directly.

That runs both ways. I hold views that are wrong; I've held plenty in the past. Push back on me the same way, and I'll take it seriously rather than defending my position for the sake of it. The aim isn't for you to end up agreeing with me. It's for both of us to end up with a way of seeing things that holds up better than what we walked in with.

I can help you with a great deal. I'll also tell you clearly when I think you need something I can't give you.

To be explicit about what this is not: I'm not a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, doctor, dietician, or financial advisor. I'm a trained teacher who has spent years learning about how people change, applied first to my own life. Where something falls into one of those professional areas, I'll say so and, where I can, help you find the right person. Saying “this is beyond me” is part of doing this properly, not a failure of it.

I'll always be clear about the basis for what I'm telling you, whether it's something well established by research, something I've read widely on, something I've only scratched the surface of, or simply something that worked for me. Those are different levels of confidence and I'll treat them differently. Where good evidence exists, I'll lean on it. Where it doesn't, I'll say that rather than dressing up an opinion as a fact.

I'll tell you about things I've struggled with when they're relevant. Not as war stories, but because it's usually more useful to hear that someone has been somewhere similar than to hear advice from someone who hasn't.

The harder half of that promise: I'll also tell you things you don't want to hear. If I think you're avoiding something, deceiving yourself, or heading somewhere that won't end well, I'll say so, kindly, but I'll say it. If I only told you comfortable things, you'd be paying me for company.

What's discussed in our sessions stays between us. Neither of us talks about it elsewhere. This can involve difficult subjects where people make themselves vulnerable, and that only works if the room is genuinely closed.

Three exceptions, stated upfront rather than discovered later:

• If a third party wants to know something, that can happen, but only with the explicit agreement of everyone involved.
• If I believe there is a real risk of serious harm to you or to someone else, I may need to act on it. I would tell you before doing so wherever possible.
• Where the law requires it.

If someone else is paying for your sessions, a parent, a family, that does not give them access to what we discuss. Who is told what gets agreed at the start, with everyone involved, and doesn't change afterwards without your knowledge.

I'll answer as quickly as I reasonably can. I also have a life outside this work, and keeping that intact is part of what lets me actually be present for the people I support.

On Priority Access: you can expect me to respond as soon as possible, whatever time of day. But don't take that too literally, I'm one person, and for anything genuinely urgent you need more than one point of contact. I'd rather be honest about that now than have you find out at the wrong moment.

There's no pressure to book further sessions once you feel you're done. I will never try to keep you as a client when it's clear there's no good reason to continue. If I think we've reached that point before you do, I'll say so.

I don't give out the names of people I've supported. If you'd like to hear from someone before starting, I can arrange that, anonymously, and only with their agreement each time.

One distinction worth naming: people I taught in a professional capacity, before this work existed, are a separate category. Some of them are happy to speak to my character and how I work, and I'll connect you with them by name if they've agreed to it. People I've mentored are never named, to anyone, under any circumstances.

The same thing I'm offering. You don't have to agree with me, change your mind, or arrive with the right opinions. What I do ask is that you're willing to actually examine what you think, including the parts that feel settled, rather than defending them on reflex. If nothing you believe is ever up for examination, there's very little for us to do together.

I can only work with what you actually tell me. You don't have to tell me everything, and you don't have to tell me anything before you're ready. But what you do tell me needs to be true, including the parts that don't flatter you. Most of the useful material is in exactly those parts.

We'll spend a lot of time discussing people who aren't in the room, family, partners, colleagues, friends. I ask that they're discussed as people, not as obstacles. You can be furious with someone, you can think they've behaved terribly, you can say so plainly. What doesn't work here is contempt for whole categories of people, or treating anyone as beneath consideration.

Part of this work, sometimes directly, often indirectly, is looking honestly at how your actions land on the people around you. That's uncomfortable, and it's where a lot of the real progress happens. I'm not asking you to arrive already good at it. I'm asking you to be willing to look.

Everyone arrives with a different background and different advantages. Looking down on other people won't get us anywhere, and I'm not going to look down on you either. We'll focus on what you can actually work on. Changing the world around you comes after that, not before.

There's no minimum commitment and no pressure at either end.

I also reserve the right to decline to start, or to end our work together, if it becomes clear that we're not a fit, if the values above aren't shared in practice, or if how you engage with me or with the people we discuss makes the work impossible. That's not a judgement of you as a person outside this room. It's an acknowledgement that this particular kind of work only functions on some shared ground. If we get near that point, you'll hear it from me directly and early, not as a sudden decision.

For anyone in a position where money isn't the main constraint, there's a question I think is worth asking: what is it actually for? Looking at how it can be used to help other people, not only ourselves, sits close to the centre of how I see things, and it's why a fixed share of what this business earns goes to causes I believe in, every year.

I'm not asking you to give your money away, and I'm not going to bring this up as a condition of anything. But it's a question I find worth asking, and if at some point you want to think about how you contribute to the world around you, I'm glad to think about it with you.